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Feeling defeated [01 Jul 2016|11:06pm]
[ mood | defeated ]

I don't know what I do to make you hate me so much, Never have I ever felt so alone and emotionally pushed away.In my mind I can't justify the 6 years of up's and downs, I really can't. I seriously have worn my heart on my sleeve for you and you've done nothing but shattered it and beat it. I think I am silently screaming that I give up. You have officially shattered me as a human being. I just hope your happy.. I know you don't care and you never will.. I just hope one day you will wake up and realize you have a woman who cares about you and 2 little boys that look up to you like your their fucking hero. You will regret pushing someone so far away from you that they will do the same things you've done to them.. just so hurt and your words hurt the most....

Want a foot up your ass

[24 May 2015|11:16pm]
Maybe if I smoked or drank like a fucking fish I'd be considered fun...
Want a foot up your ass

wondering [22 Mar 2015|07:36am]
Last nights turn of events has opened my eyes to a lot of bigger things.. Seeing we lack major communication in our relationship. It seems that everything gets bottled up and when I come across in my "nagging" way it's bc I want you to open up to me and talk to me. But all I get is being shut out and you go on doing your own thing. We spend no quality time as a family and it's not going out n spending money but maybe the occasional family movie or even a game night but it's like we are a noose around your neck. When we got together you were a gentleman a real gem a sweet guy and someone I felt I could share everything with, we had the same things in common even down to wanting the same things in life a family, being married, etc. but I quickly learned that it was all a game a facade to lure me in to whatever trap you had waiting, I did love you and I know I'm not innocent and I have done and said things to you as well, but it's like after our son was born things between us has never been the same, still to this day I wonder if what you said is true "it was a mistake being with you" that line still rattled in my head since I've been pregnant. I just feel like if you never meant it or if the thought never went thru your head then why would you utter those words. You say the meanest things when your mad and you never say your sorry. But laying your hands on me multiple times bc you can't control your anger is the breaking point. I'm sick of you doing this to me. Then you want to play your head games and it's just disgusting. I'm so upset at this point and just don't know what to say..
Want a foot up your ass

really upset [19 Nov 2014|10:53pm]
I'm writing this not in the hopes that your going to see this, but if you ever stumble on this just note this is for you. I'm hurt by the attitude you thre my way stating that I gave you an attitude. Sorry I even said anything to you in regards to sex. I'll be quite honest here "sex" isn't on the top of my list like it used to be. Sorry again that I am exhausted after work, picking up our child and then going back out to pick us up dinner again I'm sorry. Sorry if you took my sudden stop touching me as a nasty comment however you just never quit and again it makes me feel like shit if I reject your oh so OBVIOUS hints at wanting to have some kind of foreplay all the time. Again I do have other things on my mind at the end of the day but I don't try to say much or talk much bc I know you never want to LISTEN. You only hear me when you want to hear me. We don't have many heart to hearts which is pathetic seeing that we are supposed to "be made for each other" bs. But let's cut to the chase when you said that you should go look for someone else to satisfy your, your unsatisfiarble sexual appetite, it cut to the core basically to every nerve ending on my body to feel pain again. Just when I thought I could let the walls down again here you go starting with something so fucking hurtful bc I again "refused" to satisfy you in some sort of way... I'm left to say WTF and to ponder most of the night while your laying here in bed snoring your ass off. How fair is that to me?? Your so unapologetic and so selfish. I feel like you only think about yourself at times, and if you think I'm pointing the finger at solely you then thanks for assuming. You take me for granted at times and you try to rule with an iron fist which is bullshit. I'm sick of it I'm sick of being treated like I'm a child n not your spouse, funny thing is if I were to switch the tables you wouldnt be a happy camper would you? No your quick move is to throw me and your kid out on the streets which really goes to show what kind of person you are but let's face it why in gods creation would I feel you were any different from anyone else, seems like in the end I'm always the one ending up hurt with a fucking broken heart. It was so different in the beginning bc I think it was something new and something exciting.. Throw a kid in the mix and see how quickly our feelings change. I feel like the life you wanted and what the real picture is are 2 different things. I just want someone with the same family outlook like I have and not feel like I'm a pain in the ass bc I want to do something as a family. Just really hurt.. Pissed off and if finding someone else makes you happy then so be it bc I'll bow out gracefully and let you lead the life you want. Just don't forget about your son bc every little kid needs both parents in their life just never thought we'd end up like your parents.....
Want a foot up your ass

nostalgia [12 Oct 2014|11:34pm]
[ mood | blah ]

it's funny, you haven't been on a social media in quite sometime and you come across things that happened 10+ years ago. Just brings back a lot of memories, sometimes new chapters in life are challenging and others are scary but it's how you precieve it and how you live in that moment... On another note I love how some people google you to try and find your account on Live Journal to see if any recent shit was talked about them LOL funny really funny... I think at our stage in our relationship I am trying not to let things bother me as much, like certain things that really really piss me off don't as much any more. Guess I'm at that point of "eh" I think I do however have a lot of things that I worry about that I shouldn't and should just let fate take over and then it's like if I do speak how I feel I either come across as a total bitch or a really big worry wart.. It's like there isn't an in between of how I am precieved. Dunno I think it's just how I am bc deep down I don't think anyone ''gets me" when I do wear my heart on my sleeve and let people in I get hurt real bad but when I have a wall up it's like "oh shes just a bitch" no dumbass its called lets just see how high your willing to climb my walls. It's just something I have done all my life to everyone I meet, I don't try and push people away its just something that happens bc I get scared of getting hurt. Then there's the mother part my god has it been a rocky road don't get me wrong I love and I mean LOVE my son with all of my heart.. it's that unconditional love that no matter what he can do I still love him with every ounce of love anyone can give to someone. And even tho he can drive me batty some days at the end of the day he still knows I love him and I always will. My son is a character tho he can be such a little wise ass at times but with that wise ass come a sweet loving little boy with a smile that could light up the room and he also has a bit of a temper on him which I hope he grows out of in the next few weeks lol (well see) but god he is a really good kid and he's really smart too ( lol i better step up my game) but over all looking back and going through old posts and even seeing posts on friends pages it's just amazing how time really does fly and makes you take a step back for a second and look at the life choices you make to get you where you are now.. My life path hasn't been easy and I don't think it ever will (lets see 5 years from now) but with the life choices I have made it makes me more of a stronger person do I think that I become more reclusive?? Hmm to some degree bc of my current situation, I'm not a teenager anymore that can flip you off and tell you to have a "merry go fuck yourself life" and just walk away LOL NO I am an adult now with a child of my own who I need to support and teach the rights and wrongs in life, has it been rough yes but I think with all the roughness I still somewhere in this body find a soft spot to see the good in life and in people too. I really do try hard to be a good mom and a good "wife" but sometimes I think I try too hard and it blows up in my face but when I'm in that "eh" stage or just letting my sailboat of life just do it's thing, things get good and seem to stay afloat for sometime not the whole time but I will take what I can get... I know this is all jumbled around and probably makes no sense but that's just how I am a rambling person that gets all these different thoughts that just want to come out.. Nostalgia lol funny how you can get so many ideas just by looking back and then reanalyzing your current life to what it was 10 years ago lol

Want a foot up your ass

[12 Oct 2014|11:00pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [08 Jul 2011|12:17pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [05 Jul 2011|12:17pm]
  • Tue, 02:18: Wish I got to go see fireworks this 4th of July :/ at least I viewed some. Last year was so much better..
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [25 Jun 2011|12:02pm]
  • Fri, 21:01: Waiting for grim to get outta work. Gonna try to enjoy the rest of the night with @MrNiggels hopefully were gonna get kinky ;)
  • Fri, 21:01: @MrNiggels is shaking his head at me lol
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [19 Jun 2011|12:17pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [16 Jun 2011|12:17pm]
  • Thu, 03:11: Cant sleep :/ just want it to be October lol
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [13 Jun 2011|12:04pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [24 May 2011|12:35pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [21 May 2011|12:17pm]
  • Fri, 22:29: Busted my ass cleaning today I think I threw my back out worse... N the baby is on my sciatic nerve.
  • Sat, 09:10: Babysitting today, hope the jealousy queen keeps her ass upstairs.
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [20 May 2011|12:17pm]
  • Thu, 22:07: Run away.... - I just want to run away for a bit. I hate the feeling that I always feel that im annoying... http://tumblr.com/xfu2ljn4de
  • Thu, 22:15: Life lesson 143: never ever wear ur heart on ur sleeve, u some how end up getting hurt
  • Fri, 05:23: Looking for a legit work at home job where I don't have to pay a dime. Need to make money asap!!
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [19 May 2011|12:17pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [15 May 2011|12:18pm]
  • Sat, 17:33: So I'm extremely mortified right now
  • Sun, 01:30: Would love a back n foot massage right now.. N cuddling with timbah
  • Sun, 01:34: #itsabaddaywhen ur pregnant n constipated n when u finally take a crap ur cesspool pipe collapses causing ur front lawn to flood :/
  • Sun, 01:48: So ready for bed
  • Sun, 02:16: Photo: New glasses http://tumblr.com/xfu2j090ie
  • Sun, 02:31: So I don't think I'm getting home till 4am now.. This better be worth the money
  • Sun, 03:58: Ok so now I'm still babysitting, would love to know when I'm gonna go home. At least can I get a txt to know she's ok.
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [14 May 2011|12:18pm]
  • Sat, 10:59: Starbucks with mom, this baby is gonna come out loving coffee lol
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [10 May 2011|12:02pm]
Want a foot up your ass

My tweets [30 Apr 2011|12:02pm]
Want a foot up your ass

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